Lying on a sunny afternoon I can feel the memories wash over me. So many years, so many days in those years… and the smell of those memories are so fresh in my mind like it was yesterday.
Tomorrow is going to be 20 years since I lost my mum. 20! Two whole fucking decades. Where did that go, how did that go by ? I’m as clueless as you on this !
Missing out on a mother’s love is difficult to grow up with. There’s something about her regular nagging and her constant follow up that one only misses when she’s not around.
Today, when I see so many of my friends underestimate or undervalue their mother’s affection, there’s that feeling of jealousy, but along with that comes that feeling of pity for them.
I still remember her smile, her mild humour and her unparalleled dedication to bringing me up. Not easy for a woman who became a widow within the third year of being married and this is the 80’s we are talking about. She would wake up at 4 am , pray and then go about her chores of cooking, cleaning, washing and what not.
I’m doing that today, I start doing all that at 8 and I have a washing machine. Those days it was all by hand. Not at all easy
Add to that, the pressures of my fuckall extended family and property squabbles… not easy to plod ahead. If it was me, I would have given up – maybe !
Funny, couple of days back while driving to work, I had all these thoughts I wanted to pen down, but now, my mind is kinda blank. Is it missing the alcohol? Maybe .
My plan is to visit her grave tomorrow and spend a few minutes in the deadness of silence and the peace of the dead.
Her life might have gone, her memories remain, her love and her selfless caring towards me.
I have not made her proud ! I have disappointed her , but I’m hoping to change that. How and when, I don’t know .
I miss you Mummy. Too much water has flown over the bridge.